The New Year Approaches

Oh my… the time sure flies by in December, does it not?

For instance, I cannot believe that it was almost one week ago that I had the distinct honour of being a guest blogger over at BlissChick.
Colour me giddy-schoolgirl-excited!
Go here to check out the article I wrote on overcoming obstacles to bliss.

I cannot believe how swiftly this entire year has gone by. Looking at my day timer,it seems like just yesterday I opened it’s fresh new pages and began to fill up the virgin months with appointments, work schedules, choir practices and concert dates. Now it’s nearing the end pages and the time has come to shop for Day-Timer 2010! Incidentally, I still use a book, not a blackberry or other pda… had one once, but I LOVE my day timer books that require actual handwriting.

I have a bit of a fascination with new day-timers. First there is the ritual of going shopping for the new one. This is something that I usually do during my Christmas shopping trip to Chapters. Which in fact, I was scheduled to do today, but my daughter’s bus was cancelled and it’s the second snow day in a row… but whatever, I’ll go tomorrow.

I have no great loyalty when it comes to the brand of day-timer I prefer. Having said that, however, the past three years I have used and loved The Women’s Daybook put out by Sumach Press. I will likely go for it again, although I have also been considering Sandra Boynton’s Mom’s Family Desk Planner. I perused it when I was at Chapters a few weeks ago and what appealed to me was the blank pages with the heading “Notes for my Novel”. There are also pages with blank sheet music with a heading along the lines of “Music for my Opera “ or something like that. The book also has weekly grocery list pages built in that you can tear out.

The best part about my ‘New Day-Timer Ritual” is the time I spend planning the year to come. During that week between Christmas and New Year’s… that is my when I am in day-timer heaven. Usually late in the afternoon, curled up by the fire or early in the morning with a cup of tea and nowhere to go (and everyone else still sleeping), I'll open it up and do a little dreaming, a little planning, a little recording of loved ones birthdays and important dates. The New Year lies ahead all fresh and clean and empty, much like the book.

And I get to fill it up with whatever dreams my heart desires.

Transformation Inevitable

This beauty is the reason we intentionally keep milkweed in the yard at the River House. While beautiful, even in its larval stage, this creature will soon become a magnificent Monarch Butterfly. Plus, the flower produced by this so-called weed, is also quite lovely.

I'm feeling a lot like a caterpillar these days, steadily munching away on my diet of yoga, guitar playing and singing.

I've been working on intentionally living my bliss (with the encouragement of this lady).

And in doing so I've learned:

• not to care quite so much about what others think
• to be more conscious of my daily choices and how they affect my bliss and energy
• that I have more self discipline than I've ever given myself credit for
• that I am able to recognize and overcome negative self talk (the divas) more frequently (um, see the previous post for more on this)
• to be less hard on myself
• to be more open and loving

In further examining my intentions, I've found that:

• I practice contentment, regardless of my situation (even when the divas are present)
• When truly unhappy with my situation, I have the power to CHANGE it
• It is my purpose to spread and reflect light to all beings
• Singing is my bliss and I intend to live that every day

I still need to work a bit more on my list of intentions but in practicing contentment with where I am at, I'm not too stressed about it. I also see that the journey is where the joy is, it's not at the culmination of any list making project I take on.

And while transformation is inevitable, the caterpillar is just as lovely as the butterfly!

Resisting My Bliss

I KNOW that I have been doing it. I've been feeling it for days. I've felt myself "resigning".
Resisting my bliss.

Over a year ago, I was working a 40 hour week in child care. I have been in childcare for 20 years. That's a damned long time to work with small humans. That's an amazingly damned long time to work with small humans and NOT be burnt out. The field of childcare has a notoriously high burn out rate.

The way that I have managed for so long, is that I recognize my need for breaks and changes in my job. Every three years I need some sort of shake up.
I went to Finland once to teach English for a year.
I took six weeks off once to travel Europe.
I got pregnant and had a year off with my own little Sugar Plum.
I did home child care for a while when Sugar Plum was very little.
I returned to a different job after being at home with her for 3 years.

Anyway, last year I was feeling at the end of my rope again (it had been three years in the same job) and I decided to quit and follow my bliss.

I wasn't entirely sure what my bliss was but I knew that it involved writing and singing.
And as it turned out, I didn't full-out QUIT, but compromised and started working part-time in September 2008.

Since then I have started teaching yoga. I love yoga and it makes me feel great! I feel wonderful when I am facilitating a class. It is not however, the bliss I was seeking.

I am now finally writing more, thanks to finally getting this blog going.
And I am doing some more creative writing as well.
My children's stories and songs though? Not so much.

In September, I joined a local choir. And I was Blissful!! It was awesome. Weekly practices leading up to an amazing Christmas concert with 4 sold out performances at 2 locations. My voice was in tip-top shape and I was very excited and happy.

Then, when the choir was to start back up again in February, I decided that I was going to be "too busy" to attend this session (yoga classes, Sugar Plums skating lessons...oh yes and we were having vehicle issues too). I decided that I would join in September 2009 again.

In February, I joined a local Snowfest Committee and committed myself to lead the song and story time for a snowfest event in our town and then I NEEDED to learn some songs to play on the guitar with the children (you think I may have done this over my 20 years in child care considering that I have owned my guitar for 20 years as well, but no. I have been resisting this bliss for a LONG time!)

So the Snofest experience was great! I actually (finally) learned some simple songs to play for children (Itsy Bitsy Spider, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, I'm a Little Teapot etc.). It was so easy, I don't know why I resisted for so long.

Then I decided to carry over my new-found talent and finally take my guitar to work and play for the preschool children. They loved it! They are great fans! They think I'm a rock star!! Children really are the best audiences! I was doing this once a week for months.
Not sure why it has been over six weeks since I've taken the guitar to work

For some "unexplained" reason, I have stopped playing and singing. It was gradual at first. I didn't even really notice it happening.

I also found myself thinking about soon having to return to full time work and just GIVING UP any more pursuit of music. I've been looking at course calendars for colleges, looking for something that I can "make money at".

One big thing that looms over my head, is a music project that I started and have yet to complete. I decided to make a children's c.d as a fundraiser for the child care centre where I work. I have a friend who came and recorded me and a group of children singing circle time songs.... last March (2008). And that's as far as I got. The next step was supposed to be to go to his studio and finish recording some more songs.

I feel like I MUST complete this project to move forward.

Then last night... I remembered something that I told myself to do when I was getting "in a rut". I listened to music!! I was listening to Sarah Harmer: You Were Here. (I haven't actually watched this Youtube clip cuz it's 4 min. long and that would take for ever here in no man's land). There are a couple of songs on that cd that I have learned to play and I was all of a sudden, inspired!! I turned off the cd, picked up my guitar and played and played and played!!

Fishguy sat here smiling, saying "it's about time!"
And my fingers hurt like hell since my callouses have worn off.
But did it ever feel good!

Now today I think I need to think about making another 100 day challenge for myself. I see that I have been using all sorts of excuses (including my 100 day yoga challenge) to resist my bliss... and as BlissChick and the Borg say.... Resistance is Futile!

Protecting My Bliss

Here is the latest enCouraging Bliss Challenge from BlissChick. Christine asks:

Looking back over your week (or month!), when and how did you find yourself not respecting your boundaries, not living from your integrity, not following your bliss?Do you notice any patterns? For example, do you tend to get too involved, like me, with other people's problems in lieu of working on your own?Do you find yourself "pushing through" some giant list of "shoulds" rather than doing what your heart is aching for you to do? What is your excuse?How, then, can you eliminate these things, people, events, that are eating away at instead of feeding your bliss?

Okay, this week I had a meltdown.
I planned too many things for myself.
I placed too many expectation on myself.
I began to feel overwhelmed.
I listened to those divas in my head telling me unkind things about myself.
I didn’t create time to listen to or play music.
I felt angry and resentful.
And above all, I held it all in until I was ready to explode.
And then, I did.
I erupted like a volcano upon my long suffering partner.

Long suffering, because, this is a pattern of mine and he has put up with it for many years now. I’m very fortunate, he’s loving and understanding of my “meltdowns”. But I went too far this time. I placed blame on him and our relationship as being “part of the problem”. I said mean and hurtful things. I used terms like “you never…” and “you always…” in my argument. These terms are never a good idea to use with someone you love while having a discussion about your relationship. I KNOW THIS! I just …couldn’t … stop … myself…… That’s the kind of state I was in, out of control.

He’s very rational and logical and calm. I’m very emotional, fanciful and flighty.
He helps to keep me grounded. Sometimes, his logic and rationality can drive me crazy, but in the long run he usually makes me feel better when I meltdown by being ever so rational, logical and calm.

Now, to take a look at ways of eliminating the events of this week which lead up to my meltdown and being hurtful to the one I love……

Respect my boundaries (stop taking on extra hours at work….just say no; there was a reason that I swapped my full-time position for a part-time one last Sept.)

Be more reasonable in my expectations of just how much I can accomplish in one week. I find this one really difficult. It is as though, (as has been pointed out to me by Fishguy) I set myself up for disappointment and failure.

Make friends with some people that I can talk to about things that are going on with me instead of letting things build up to the point of eruption. I do not have very many close friends. I have a few close friends, who live far away and I don’t see them often and I am really terrible about keeping in touch. We have lived in this community for almost three years and I while I have many acquaintances, I still don’t have any close friends. I don’t get close to people easily. I feel socially awkward. Some people who know me, might find this hard to believe, but it's true. I have difficulty with eye contact and knowing whether or not I’ve come across as aloof and distant or if I’ve shared too much information. I’m working on this and now have small circle of people who I could potentially open up with.

Seek some professional help to aid in coping with what often feels like my inability to cope. I keep saying that I’m going to do this, then I have a meltdown and then I feel fine for a while. I do not want to take a pill to make me better, (while I recognize that this is a viable option for some people and mental health issues) but there are some therapies that I have considered. I’ve been to a counselor/therapist a few times in the past and that has always been helpful. Lately, I’ve been feeling like I might like to try some Reiki or other type of energy healing.

Listen to music or pick up my guitar or just sing my heart out. This can always make me feel better (duh, it IS my Bliss!), but somehow, when I’m on the path to boil and then meltdown, I tend to “forget” this and stop doing it.

Stop listening to those divas. You know the ones I mean, the nagging soundtrack that says things like… “you’re not good enough, you’re not talented, you don’t measure up, and hey, you must be crazy!” So, when they start ranting, I will just shut them up with some feel good music.

Make a Bliss List, of things that make me happy and when I feel the meltdown simmering, read my list and pick something from it to do as preventative medicine.


Make a Done List. I am a chronic list maker. This is part of my bliss. I enjoy making lists, they help me. Sometimes the giant list of Things To Do can get overwhelming though. So, I’ve decided to make a Done List instead, by this I mean a list of accomplishments and things that I have done that I feel good and proud about. Then I can read it when those divas start their berating.

Well, that was a therapeutic. Now on to those Lists!!

A List of Bliss

Thinking back over the past week, I am quite amazed at the many, many moments of bliss that I was fortunate enough to experience. I am very thankful to Blisschick for prompting me to stop long enough to contemplate it, through her enCouraging Bliss weekly challenge to:

"Think back over your last week. Where, what, when, and how did you find moments of bliss? Were there times or activities during which you felt completely on this path of bliss? "

I found that the moments that were most blissful were not necessarily due to specific events or activities (although they were great too!) but rather the underlying sense of Oneness that I felt while engaged in them. Oneness with nature. Oneness with loved ones. Oneness with music. Oneness with creativity. Oneness with Beauty and the Divine.

And here’s my list:

• Facilitating a very nice new yoga class on Friday mornings and sharing a few laughs and a cup of tea after class with the participants.
• I arranged an S.O.S (swap of services). In other words, I bartered yoga lessons for a lovely pedicure (dark purple polish!). Now I have fancy looking feet for my new yoga class.
• Going to see one of my favourite singer/songwriters in concert with my sweetheart, the Fishguy.
• Facilitating a Yoga workshop at a Child Care Conference and feeling so good about how well it went.
• I thoroughly enjoyed the inspirational keynote address at the conference as well (fodder for future post!).
• Reading with my daughter
• Daily yoga practice!!
• The cat coming to rest on my chest while I was in Savasana
• Feeling like a part of my community through yoga
• Listening to the almost deafening ringing of theSpring Peepers behind our house in the evenings
• A lovely glass (or two!) of red wine on Saturday evening with Fishguy.