Resisting My Bliss

I KNOW that I have been doing it. I've been feeling it for days. I've felt myself "resigning".
Resisting my bliss.

Over a year ago, I was working a 40 hour week in child care. I have been in childcare for 20 years. That's a damned long time to work with small humans. That's an amazingly damned long time to work with small humans and NOT be burnt out. The field of childcare has a notoriously high burn out rate.

The way that I have managed for so long, is that I recognize my need for breaks and changes in my job. Every three years I need some sort of shake up.
I went to Finland once to teach English for a year.
I took six weeks off once to travel Europe.
I got pregnant and had a year off with my own little Sugar Plum.
I did home child care for a while when Sugar Plum was very little.
I returned to a different job after being at home with her for 3 years.

Anyway, last year I was feeling at the end of my rope again (it had been three years in the same job) and I decided to quit and follow my bliss.

I wasn't entirely sure what my bliss was but I knew that it involved writing and singing.
And as it turned out, I didn't full-out QUIT, but compromised and started working part-time in September 2008.

Since then I have started teaching yoga. I love yoga and it makes me feel great! I feel wonderful when I am facilitating a class. It is not however, the bliss I was seeking.

I am now finally writing more, thanks to finally getting this blog going.
And I am doing some more creative writing as well.
My children's stories and songs though? Not so much.

In September, I joined a local choir. And I was Blissful!! It was awesome. Weekly practices leading up to an amazing Christmas concert with 4 sold out performances at 2 locations. My voice was in tip-top shape and I was very excited and happy.

Then, when the choir was to start back up again in February, I decided that I was going to be "too busy" to attend this session (yoga classes, Sugar Plums skating lessons...oh yes and we were having vehicle issues too). I decided that I would join in September 2009 again.

In February, I joined a local Snowfest Committee and committed myself to lead the song and story time for a snowfest event in our town and then I NEEDED to learn some songs to play on the guitar with the children (you think I may have done this over my 20 years in child care considering that I have owned my guitar for 20 years as well, but no. I have been resisting this bliss for a LONG time!)

So the Snofest experience was great! I actually (finally) learned some simple songs to play for children (Itsy Bitsy Spider, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, I'm a Little Teapot etc.). It was so easy, I don't know why I resisted for so long.

Then I decided to carry over my new-found talent and finally take my guitar to work and play for the preschool children. They loved it! They are great fans! They think I'm a rock star!! Children really are the best audiences! I was doing this once a week for months.
Not sure why it has been over six weeks since I've taken the guitar to work

For some "unexplained" reason, I have stopped playing and singing. It was gradual at first. I didn't even really notice it happening.

I also found myself thinking about soon having to return to full time work and just GIVING UP any more pursuit of music. I've been looking at course calendars for colleges, looking for something that I can "make money at".

One big thing that looms over my head, is a music project that I started and have yet to complete. I decided to make a children's c.d as a fundraiser for the child care centre where I work. I have a friend who came and recorded me and a group of children singing circle time songs.... last March (2008). And that's as far as I got. The next step was supposed to be to go to his studio and finish recording some more songs.

I feel like I MUST complete this project to move forward.

Then last night... I remembered something that I told myself to do when I was getting "in a rut". I listened to music!! I was listening to Sarah Harmer: You Were Here. (I haven't actually watched this Youtube clip cuz it's 4 min. long and that would take for ever here in no man's land). There are a couple of songs on that cd that I have learned to play and I was all of a sudden, inspired!! I turned off the cd, picked up my guitar and played and played and played!!

Fishguy sat here smiling, saying "it's about time!"
And my fingers hurt like hell since my callouses have worn off.
But did it ever feel good!

Now today I think I need to think about making another 100 day challenge for myself. I see that I have been using all sorts of excuses (including my 100 day yoga challenge) to resist my bliss... and as BlissChick and the Borg say.... Resistance is Futile!