Sunday, May 10, 2009

Protecting My Bliss

Here is the latest enCouraging Bliss Challenge from BlissChick. Christine asks:

Looking back over your week (or month!), when and how did you find yourself not respecting your boundaries, not living from your integrity, not following your bliss?Do you notice any patterns? For example, do you tend to get too involved, like me, with other people's problems in lieu of working on your own?Do you find yourself "pushing through" some giant list of "shoulds" rather than doing what your heart is aching for you to do? What is your excuse?How, then, can you eliminate these things, people, events, that are eating away at instead of feeding your bliss?

Okay, this week I had a meltdown.
I planned too many things for myself.
I placed too many expectation on myself.
I began to feel overwhelmed.
I listened to those divas in my head telling me unkind things about myself.
I didn’t create time to listen to or play music.
I felt angry and resentful.
And above all, I held it all in until I was ready to explode.
And then, I did.
I erupted like a volcano upon my long suffering partner.

Long suffering, because, this is a pattern of mine and he has put up with it for many years now. I’m very fortunate, he’s loving and understanding of my “meltdowns”. But I went too far this time. I placed blame on him and our relationship as being “part of the problem”. I said mean and hurtful things. I used terms like “you never…” and “you always…” in my argument. These terms are never a good idea to use with someone you love while having a discussion about your relationship. I KNOW THIS! I just …couldn’t … stop … myself…… That’s the kind of state I was in, out of control.

He’s very rational and logical and calm. I’m very emotional, fanciful and flighty.
He helps to keep me grounded. Sometimes, his logic and rationality can drive me crazy, but in the long run he usually makes me feel better when I meltdown by being ever so rational, logical and calm.

Now, to take a look at ways of eliminating the events of this week which lead up to my meltdown and being hurtful to the one I love……

Respect my boundaries (stop taking on extra hours at work….just say no; there was a reason that I swapped my full-time position for a part-time one last Sept.)

Be more reasonable in my expectations of just how much I can accomplish in one week. I find this one really difficult. It is as though, (as has been pointed out to me by Fishguy) I set myself up for disappointment and failure.

Make friends with some people that I can talk to about things that are going on with me instead of letting things build up to the point of eruption. I do not have very many close friends. I have a few close friends, who live far away and I don’t see them often and I am really terrible about keeping in touch. We have lived in this community for almost three years and I while I have many acquaintances, I still don’t have any close friends. I don’t get close to people easily. I feel socially awkward. Some people who know me, might find this hard to believe, but it's true. I have difficulty with eye contact and knowing whether or not I’ve come across as aloof and distant or if I’ve shared too much information. I’m working on this and now have small circle of people who I could potentially open up with.

Seek some professional help to aid in coping with what often feels like my inability to cope. I keep saying that I’m going to do this, then I have a meltdown and then I feel fine for a while. I do not want to take a pill to make me better, (while I recognize that this is a viable option for some people and mental health issues) but there are some therapies that I have considered. I’ve been to a counselor/therapist a few times in the past and that has always been helpful. Lately, I’ve been feeling like I might like to try some Reiki or other type of energy healing.

Listen to music or pick up my guitar or just sing my heart out. This can always make me feel better (duh, it IS my Bliss!), but somehow, when I’m on the path to boil and then meltdown, I tend to “forget” this and stop doing it.

Stop listening to those divas. You know the ones I mean, the nagging soundtrack that says things like… “you’re not good enough, you’re not talented, you don’t measure up, and hey, you must be crazy!” So, when they start ranting, I will just shut them up with some feel good music.

Make a Bliss List, of things that make me happy and when I feel the meltdown simmering, read my list and pick something from it to do as preventative medicine.

Make a Done List. I am a chronic list maker. This is part of my bliss. I enjoy making lists, they help me. Sometimes the giant list of Things To Do can get overwhelming though. So, I’ve decided to make a Done List instead, by this I mean a list of accomplishments and things that I have done that I feel good and proud about. Then I can read it when those divas start their berating.

Well, that was a therapeutic. Now on to those Lists!!


Anonymous said...

Oh, I love this "done list" idea. It sounds like a wonderful way to end the day. And it should include everything -- because I know people like you and me :) we just want to include the "big" stuff, the "important" stuff, and ALL of it is big and important.

Thanks for the honesty in this post. :)

karmacoy said...

Thanks Christine. This assignment couldn't have come at a better time, really. And I have been meaning to make a Done List for some time now, just one of those things I keep putting off.

Thanks for the reminder to include everything!

Janssen said...

Oh, I love Lists. . . .totally a lifesaver for me.

karmacoy said...

Thanks Janssen! Killer grocery list and menu planning you've got going on.!!